Season Two of Karen Says
Episode One : Karen Explains Hatred
Dramatis PersonaeDolph X - (Dolphin) cousin of Malcom - Confidently ignorant, well meaning, respects scientology.
A simple country dolphin. He's got stories.
Karen Witbred (Flamingo) - High strung host of "Karen Says", K-Dub talks plenty fast.
(Racisaurus) Rex (Rodriguez) - Typical racisaurus, trying hard to improve himself. Horrible digestive gas issues.
Olly-O (Orca) - Friendly orca from Wellington NZ. Sensible, curious, respectful.
Danny (female, wears glasses), full name is Danilova but she ain't gonna tell you that.
She prefers Danny. Secretly Canadian.
On the set of Karen Says
Look at me Rex. I'm blek. I'm an orca. What do you think about thet?
I like you Olly, and I respect you. I like living here in Gronyonville, with you.
I am (inhales) just a grunyon who loves other grunyons, in general, and also individually,
and you especially. Just because you're a wonderful whale grunyon whom I happen to know.
Sorry, I mean killer whale grunyon.
I just love your sincerity, tonight, Rex.
(Simultaneously over audience applause)
Wow. Thank you Rex. But I'm not a killer.
Simultaneously, shyly: Rex: Thank you Karen
Rex, I appreciate how considerate you are being of Olly's feelings, tonight, especially.
I mean sure. Olly is a good guy. I like Whales. Killer whales, from New Zealand. I'm cool with everybody, really. Kiwi killer whale. Black and white. No problem. Not for me.
Well thank you but I'm just another grunyon now, Rix, here on The Grunyons Show.
It's called "Karen Says".
Dolph warmly :
Welcome Olly, glad to have you here on the show. We're all just grunyon's here.
Just plastic heads on sticks, you know?
But wait, Olly can't be a grunyon, can he? I thought he was an immigrant. And he's also a killer?!
Olly calm but irritated:
I'm an Orca.
Immigration, whoa I mean hold on, is that really the topic?
No, it is not.
Rex increasingly queasy
As a Racisaurus, which is what I am, I ... uh ...definitely have a strong opinion about immigration.
My oh my, well then. Whose turn is it to have opinions tonight, anyway?
Is that how you do it, then? You take terns? Very intristing.
Rex aside, simultaneously:
Oh I don't feel well now. I don't feel good at all.
This is my show and you should all stop talk-gah (her interrupted+shocked sound)
Gee Whiz Rex, you rilly bilched quite loudly while karin was speeking.
Simultaneously: Dolph: Wow fire Rex, buddy, that was a heck of a rip.
Dolph (continuing): Karen honey, you OK?
I am not Karen Honey or any kind of sticky food for you mister.
I am Karen Witbred, host of "Karen Says" and this is my show.
Simultaneously: Dolph (muttering): Witbred sounds like a food to me
Rex(he is embarassed):
I am so sorry Karen and everybody.
I want to apologize to the audience for belching just now.
That was not intentional or meant to be funny. I just, uh,
Karen: audibly huffing and puffing and working up a K-Rage
Olly: Now Kirin...
I mean it was kinda funny though..
Everybody stop talking and look at me.
I am in charge, here.
Tonight's show is about hatred.
First I will tell you what hatred is.
Hatred is when someone is very angry and mean to other people all the time.
That is what a hater is.
A hater does hatred all the time.
Rex you are a hater because you are a racisaurus.
Whoah there now hold on
I don't think thet was feer, Karen
I am not a hater. I can't help it that I am the kind of
dinosaur grunyon that humans call racisaurus.
It doesn't mean I hate anyone. I don't.
Well I reckon being a racisaurus is just how god made you, buddy.
Look, it's Danny!
Hey my grunyons, whaddup?
Welcome to the show Danny. You are late.
Let me catch you up.
Racisaurus Rex is basically doing hatred all the time.
I am not. Please, just call me Rex.
Also Olly-O is a killer.
No, my goodness.
Wow! That can't all be true.
It is true.
Now Kirin, this is rilly out of hand. I think you should stop saying these things about Rix and myself.
Well wait, I have a question now. Karen, did Rex say something angry or mean to someone here tonight?
Well doggone it, I reckon that's a good question to ask, ain't it.
He, well he most certainly did.
Now I don't remember thet happening, Karen.
He bellllched like a sewer right here 30 seconds ago, and I can still smell it. Waving away the fumes.
I can't help it! I'm a racisaurus!
Hold on, belching isn't the same thing as being angry and mean to someone.
She's got a point there, I mean, shoot.
It's my show!
But Karen, even on your own show, you can't just say that belching is hatred.
I'm not saying that.
I'm sorry, but I think you are kind of saying that Kirin.
Pretty much, hon.
Olly, respectfully, you are an immigrant, and a killer, so you can't tell me what to say on
my own show, which is called "Karen Says". I was born here.
Such a great show. I'm so glad to be here. I feel much better after my belch.
I'm glad Rex. I'm glad you feel better. But I was born here, and this is my show.
Well you weren't born on the show sweetie. Wait, were you?
So wait Karen what do you mean about Olly being an immigrant?
(wheels and stomps) And heyo Dolph did you really just call her sweetie?
Is Karen your wife? Is she your daughter?
Dolph is laughing his good ol boy laugh
Oh no, I'm sorry
Alright now hold on, I'm confused Danny, are you agreeing with me or with Karen?
Cause she was born out FlorAbama way, raised up in what was once Indian country.
BLAPPITY BLAPPITY FART FART ...
At Smitty's Luxury BBQ
pulling in a big helping of porcupine
That was a very fine show tonight, folks.
I do think we all learned quite a lot about hatred on the show tonight.
Oh yeah for sure.
Simultaneously Dolph to Karen:
Best show ever darlin.
And the audience had a great time.
I am so glad to have this opportunity. Really happy to be a part of what's going on , ummm
going on with the show Karen. Looks around and everybody they murmur thanks
Karen: Mellow and sweet now
Wowwwwwwww you guys.
Thank you so much.
The thing about hatred, everybody, is it's just. so. bad.
Danny has been steaming:
OK folks, I am new here, so I'm not sure I get it.
Dolph in good humor:
Oh ho ho, the new girl has questions.
Not a girl.
Right you are, fire away slugger.
OK now I'm gonna start with you, because, geez man.
Why the F are you called Dolph X.
No swearing please, Danny. Assuming F is a swear, here. I mean a cuss. Is F an american cuss?
You don't like cussing Olly?
No I don't like it at all.
Well of course darlin I'll tell you
his storytelling theme fades up
the story of the X family, so far as it goes.
I've got two famous relations named Malcom and Chiang, both passed on now, sadly.
Wait Malcom X.
You're related to Malcom X.
Course I am sweetheart!
He really is. Totally is. I've seen it. Seen the...(fading) whatchyacallit?
Alright, alright slow your horses sister. See now I was born a poor dolphin
out in Wyoksahomasaw, which of course was once Injun Country.
My god did you just say "Injun".
Let him tell the story. Just let him do it. He's a big strong beautiful dolphin,
with a great long story about his wonderful family.
Now see the Wyokie Xs was poor and we didn't have much water, or money either.
As a Dolphin boy I was particularly missing the water.
So they's just wound up calling me Dolph, and I was just another X to them.
Totally makes sense.
Well now and you asked about cousin Malcom, who was living a very different kind of life.
He grew up in Michigan and converted to islam at age 23, became a black power activist
with a powerful voice for civil rights. But us wyokie kinfolk didn't really get mixed up in
his political business, at that time, I would say. Then he went and got assasinated in 1965, when
I was just a baby Dolphin, so I never got to meet him. But the whole X family is proud of
him, still, very much.
OK, that is so much bullshit.
Language, please, Danny!
Alright now I guess you're thinking I'm just making up stories about my family to make us
sound important. But really we go way back before Malcom, to cousin Chiang who was
a big important chinese fella.
Chiang X. That is his name, you're telling us.
Well it ain't spelled that way in Chinese, you understand.
Hey, I know that in china they use different letters. I mean alphabet.
Cringing Sorry, I don't mean to be racist.
Is this Mandarin chinese X or Cantonese chinese X or what are we talking about here?
Wowwwww Olly, you know chinese? That's so cool.
So wait Malcom X made up the last name X, and you're saying that makes him related to a chinese guy named Chiang X, and they are both related to you.
In chinese I believe it's pronounced Chiang Kai-Shek, and he led the Nationalist movement in
china, which fought a 3 way war against the Japanese invasion and Mao's communists. The
Red Army forced cousin Chiang PRC to skedaddle to Taiwan, which of course was then
called Formosa, and was inhabited...
No, no, no, I know who Chiang Kai Shek was, and you're not telling me that Chiang Kai Shek is called Chiang X and is related to Malcom X and to you, Dolph. Totally not buying it.
Well, I know that people who are related often have the same last name.
For example in the Rodriguez family.
I think it is very cool that your last name is Rodriguez. "Cool", did I say that right?
Dolph in sports announcer tone
Triple R, the gas-powered champion and most valuable farting fossil.
Soooo, yeah, I may fart a lot, sorry. But, but I'm not a fossil.
Right, because you're a ... living ... breathing ... racisaurus.
Rex gratefully, enthusiastically:
With a lot of tummy troubles.
See now a lot of people think that because Rex is a racisaurus,
he is doomed to think in a certain small, limited way. They say:
That guy is a racisaurus, now I can cross him off and not care
what he says.
OK, so I guess I still am not sure what a racisaurus is.
Just for the record, my name is Rex Rodriguez.
No Karen, I was born here in G-ville, just like you.
Sweetie I was born in Gryonyonville, Florabama, not here.
But everyone calls you Racisaurus Rex.
That is what we call him.
Why shortchange the guy? He's Racisaurus Rex Rodriguez! Triple-R! Give him his due.
Reading, 'Riting, 'Rithmetic
But Rix is right, that Racisaurus is not really part of his name.
Rex awkwardly, something he has been taught to say:
It's, um, my formal classification in a hereditary group.
'ccordin to who?
One might also say taxon or clade, right Rex?
Rex hoarsely, uncertainly:
Ummmmm, yeah. That sounds right.
You mean species!
Rex, Olly, Danny, Karen, in unison:
We are all species Grunyon, I know that much, at least.
My bad, OK, right I remember now.
Olly simultaneously, softly:
Very good Danny, yes.
Karen sweetly, at her best:
Yay, we are all grunyons!
But Olly is a killer immigrant, and Rex is a racisaurus hate machine.
simultaneously: Danny: Karen!
Dolph to Karen
Darlin, I know you mean well.
Oh I do so mean well!
I am starting to think that Rix and I have the same problem.
Thank you Karen for pointing it out.
You're welcome sweetie.
I am an Orca from New Zealand, but Karen says I am a Killer Whale Immigrant.
She's not 100% wrong, exactly, but there's a problem of words and meanings.
Uh Semagics! Semathamatrix!
Wow, so I think I'm starting to catch on. Some people call Olly
a Killer Whale, and some people call Rex a Racisaurus.
Rex and Olly might not want to be called those things, but when
it happens, they have to live with it. I think I get it.
pushes her glasses back on her nose
softly aside: Karen:
'Readin, 'Ritin, 'Rithmetic
Danny, you hit it on the button. Guess it's a just a little old
tanglehoozitz up in the brain pan. I call people whatever they
want, you know. Ain't got no time to be hurtin no feelins.
Rex, what do you want to be called, buddy?
OK, so just Double-R then.
Are you a loyal citizen of Grunyonville, Rex Rodriguez?
Yes I am.
Wait Dolph, why do you get to ask him that?
I dunno. You can ask me the same thing, if you want.
Is this a loyalty oath?
Immigrants can never be loyal.
Olly: Yikes Karin.
But I told you, I'm not an immigrant.
Your name is Rodriguez!
Danny: Oh shit, really?
Well I am an immigrant Karin, and I think you've got it all wrong.
All these names and labels you throw around aren't helping anyone.
I think grunyons can be loyal in many ways, to many groups.
First of all, we are all grunyons!
Grun - Yons - First!
Grun - Yons - First!
Oh golly, here we go again.